Working with my clients I am reminded constantly of my own karma, and the lessons that I have learned over the years. Some lessons come very easy, while others often hurt beyond belief. as I sit here this evening, I remember back to a time when as a young gay male, I was faced with coming to terms with my sexuality, as well as my individuality, and that was an extremely hard and painful process, it is one that I wouldn't wish on my worse enemy!

Growing up is never an easy task, and I am certainly not complaining, I will be the first to admit that I was a very difficult child to deal with, and even a more difficult teenager, my mother had her work cut out for her, but, she was a very tough Southern Belle, and like most belles, she was definitely use to getting her way, she decided that instead of seven brides for every man, that there should be seven husbands for every bride, she buried a total of eight, (lol) figuratively of course,  by the time that she was through with them, they wished they had died, but, she would not let them off that easily, my mother was bitter where men were concerned, and she grew up in a time where lesbianism just wasn't accepted, it saddens me to think that my mother may have died, denying herself the freedom to express who she really was!

I am not sure if she was indeed a lesbian, but, I have enough friends who are, and in retrospect I'd almost bet the family jewels that she was. I have decided to bare my soul, and to air some of my dirty karma, so to speak, maybe it will help those of you who are having a hard time with yourself, and with the energy that is you, to come to terms with, and get a grip on reality!

Witches believe that for the most part we choose our life, and the lessons that we have to learn, I too believe that much of what we go through was programmed long before we arrived here. I recall periods in my life when I would ask the same old question that many of you are still asking yourselves today, why? Why is this happening to me? I am a good person, I try to help those around me, I have never done him or her wrong, I don't understand why this is happening to me. The answer is KARMA, and it may not even be karma from this lifetime, it could be from another life altogether. 

The best plan of action is to stop playing the blame game, and stop asking yourself the same questions, stop being a victim, and take control of your life, learn to program, and to project that which you are seeking. You can ask yourself the same tired old questions if you like, but, my guess is that you will produce the same tired old answers, no matter how creative you become in rephrasing those same questions, nothing, and I mean nothing will change for you, until you commit to change, and as long as you see yourself as a victim, a victim you will always be!

 "The key to understanding your life is to learn to understand your karmic ties with those whom you are involved with".

Karma can be positive or negative, and if you fail to learn the lessons that are required of you, you will be destined to repeat them somewhere down the road. You can think of it as failing a class in grade school, and being held back to repeat a grade, after all life is one big classroom, and we are all students! Let me lay this out for you, lets say that in a past life you betrayed someone, I don't know, maybe you were unfair to them in a business deal, or maybe you cheated on them when you were suppose to love and honor your commitment to them.

Either of the scenarios painted above will create negative karma, okay, now, lets say that your life or the life of the one that you betrayed ended before you could satisfy or balance that negative karma with them, yourself and the universe, in the next life you will be given a similar situation that was created as a result of your actions from your last incarnation, indeed, you are reassigned the same task as before, you may not have the opportunity to fulfill the karmic debt with the one that you loved in your last life, but, you will have to repeat that lesson with the one that you love in this lifetime, and the grand wheel turns!

Life isn't always fair, and it is designed that way to insure, that we as students learn and grow, without lessons we'd all become bored, it is through the lessons that we are able to reach the peak of our spiritual summit. Lessons, both positive, and negative are meant to be embraced, and love is one of the hardest lessons that we all have to learn, if it weren't for lessons, there would be no need to interact with one another on an emotional, mental or physical level, anotherwords we wouldn't have had the opportunity to embrace the ones that we love. If you find yourself always experiencing the same difficulties in relationships with different partners, well that should be enough evidence that the problem is not the mate that you choose to be with, rather the problem is with you, and your inability to look at what your teacher (life) is attempting to point out to you with clear vision.

Now, getting back to some of my KARMIC LESSONS, when I was growing up, I was the last male child at home, and I come from a family where mental cruelty was served up on a platter daily, like a big dish of your not so favorite southern fried meal, and you were required to lick your plate clean, from the time that I was 12 my mother was sick, she had been a smoker all of her life, a little habit that she picked up when she was 9 years old, this little habit (a lesson for her) lead to COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease) in which she died from at the young age of 62.

One of my life lessons was that of a caretaker, and yes from that young age the responsibility of taking care of my mother, became mine, and I have to tell you I grew up a very bitter young male, gay to boot! It is very hard to have compassion for the person that is supposed to be your caretaker, your provider, when they are consistently doing things that are counter productive to a healthy life, such as smoking like a chimney, even though they are coughing so hard that they cannot draw a clear breathe of fresh air.

At the age of 12 I developed ulcers in my stomach, no doubt from all the hostility that I had pent up inside, and the hostility wasn't just from the actions of my mother, but, that of my older sister, and grandmother, the two of them constantly preached to me, more like pounded it in my head that it was my responsibility to provide care for my mother, otherwise, she may end up homeless, a bag lady and dying alone, you want to talk about mental cruelty, feed that to your child on a daily basis, and then ask yourself why he hates you in the end.

At the age of 16 I left home, and for three years I kept my distance from my mother, sister, and grandmother, I found comfort with strangers, people who treated me better than my family ever had, and this is when I first realized that our family is not always people who are from the same bloodline, I created an extended family for myself, and for the first time in my life I had found happiness, and then the dreaded call came, my mother had been living with my grandparents, and out of the blue one of my least favorite Aunts decided that my grandparents should move into a small house that set at the foot of the mountain that she and my uncle called home, but, the invitation was not extended to my mother, who would now become homeless, if I at the age of 19 had not opened my heart, and home to her, but, I did the only thing that I could do, I moved from where I was living, and rented a two bedroom duplex, I moved her in, and attempted to lead my life, the attempts were in vain to say the least, for three years, I was my caretaker, and now I was right back where I had started from, remember, I told you earlier that if you fail to learn your lessons, you are doomed to repeat them.

I can honestly say that I have repeated my life lesson about care taking over and over again, but somewhere along the way I eventually learned some very important lessons that were locked up and intertwined in all the mess. My mother's behavior was self destructive, and I being her son shared in what we call family or collective karma, collective karma is energy that you may not be solely responsible for putting into motion, it can be that you were simply caught up in the actions of someone that you share your life with, hence collective karma.

Some of what I learned during the years that my mother lived with me in my adult life was humility, but not my own humility, but rather the humbleness that it took for my mother to accept care from the offspring that she bore, and brought into this physical state of being, the offspring that she was meant to care and provide for, but couldn't, through her own actions she had become dependant on me to insure the physical state of her well being, the bottom line was that her survival hung in the balance, and her future was laid in my hands, and I had to decide what was more important to me, my life, my immediate happiness or the life and well being of the woman that gave birth to me. In addition to humility, I learned many lessons, including compassion, forgiveness, self-forgiveness and self-preservation! I learned that anger is a very powerful emotion, when held inside it can cause many health problems to arise, however, when channeled and released properly it can be used to move mountains.

For a longtime I resented my mother, and as I explored my spirituality I discovered that I wasn't really angry at her, I didn't hate her, but it was me that I was angry at, it was me that I hated. It took a longtime for me to come to terms with myself; it took even longer for me to break free from the old self-defeating habits that I had developed, through hard work and self-discipline I was able to do it, I utilized meditation, visualization, and sympathetic magic, I prioritized my goals, and I set deadlines for myself, I focused and directed my energy, and I never kicked myself if I failed to meet a deadline that I set, I simply worked twice as hard to meet the next one, and I learned to love, and to forgive myself!

I have pretty much been a caretaker all of my life, and for me part of the lesson was to learn that I do not have to be a caretaker, that it is okay to allow someone else to handle things, it was okay to allow those around me to accept responsibility for their actions, and well being. One of the most important discoveries that I made in working through these issues, was the fact that I didn't hate my mother, I hated the circumstances that surrounded she and I, however, those issues were a part of my life path, and my process, lessons that I had to learn in order to advance in the next lifetime, and more importantly to find happiness in this one.

The lesson of care taking was also an issue in my personal life, and intimate relationships, I always seemed to choose an individual who was very needy, someone who was looking for somebody to take care of their problems, looking for someone to support them financially, and in most cases gave very little in return, this changed for me when I learned the lesson that the powers that be were trying so very hard to teach me, as hard headed and stubborn as I was, and for the most part still am, I am quite certain there were a couple of times that the Gods felt like striking me with a lightning bolt, but, eventually I opened my heart, my mind, and my ears, and when I did it was as if someone had flipped on the light switch, for everything became crystal clear, and I realized I had found the answer as to why the negative things kept on happening to me, it was me, I was pulling this crap to myself, like a magnet sticks to metal!

My mother's health was her responsibility, her karma,  I shared in her karma because of the ties between us, I chose to support her, to take care of her, and if I had to do it all over again, I would do so gladly! The lessons that I learned through our dealings has lent me strength time and time again, she taught me so much about who I am, and why I am here, and today she continues to watch over me,  she visits with me often on the Spirit plane, she was and is a great teacher, and I thank her for the wisdom that she shared with me, it is really funny, you just never know where or when someone will have such a profound impact on your life.

Lessons for the most part do not come easy, if you find yourself dealing with a situation over and over again, stop and examine the facts very carefully, if you take a close look you will find the negative patterns that have developed throughout your lifetime, or lifetimes in some cases, once you have identified your negative life patterns, breaking free of them is easy, in order to break free you must first acknowledge that there is a problem, negative patterns (energy) in my book compares closely to that of the addictions suffered by drug addicts and alcoholics, negative energy is highly addictive, as I have said before, it takes less energy to be nasty and mean than it does to be positive and pleasant, a curse throw upon the wind will manifest faster than a lightening bolt, while a love, money, or prosperity spell will often take it's time to arrive at its appointed destination, a curse or hex feeds off the very bottom of the energy food chain, and requires little effort to set into motion!

People who suffer from negative life energy, often live in denial, much like the drug addict, always laying blame, and pointing a finger at someone else rather than owning it themselves, when you live your life in this manner it is very difficult to progress spiritually, and manifesting your hearts desire is nearly impossible because the energy is blocked, and the natural flow of your life is restricted, therefore you cannot reach your full life potential, and full life potential can be realized; honestly it is not that hard to attain all that you desire and all that life has to offer to you, if you can see it in your minds eye, you can manifest it!

Desire is a very strong emotion, and it is one of the most important keys in manifesting, and reaching your life goals.

From today forth, learn to embrace your inner light, darkness cannot altogether be avoided, for it too lives within each and everyone of us, for there must be a balance in all things, but, just because we have flecks of darkness within the lighted chambers of our heart, doesn't mean that we have to become consumed by the darkness, for just as beauty and strength is retained within our light, strength and beauty can also be found within our darkness, and it is often in our darkest hour that we find our truest strength!

Blessed be

Phelan